Thursday, August 04, 2011

From the diary of a chronic shopper


This place is your get-away from the microscopic dust particles, heat, sweat, ultraviolet rays and the dullness of everyday scheduled life. This place offers you retail therapy in its most alluring form by bringing together all your favorite brands right from Dior, Vuitton, Catwalk,  FCUK, Vero Moda,  to Latin Quarters, Chemistry, Mango, Deborah Milano, Marks & Spencer, Hidesign conveniently all under one roof.
Remember those times when you would feel jealous to the power infinity while watching Samantha, Carrie, Miranda and Charlotte go on a wild shopping spree, splurging on another pair of Louboutin heels, and wished you were in New York? Well that was all in the past. For the age of mall culture has invaded your city with a vengeance and boy are you hooked?! You can now shop till you drop (more so during the end-of-year or mid-year sales) and also choose from a variety of lip-smacking delicacies belonging to different cuisines to please your ever-growling tummy. And what's more interesting, you can also amuse yourself by indulging in some people-watching while you're at it. (or maybe that's just me)
So let me sort all kinds of mall-goers into a few categories for your entertainment. :-P

The window shoppers :- Mostly human females fall under this category with few notable exceptions where men are coerced by their girlfriends, wives and daughters into tagging along with them on this pointless mission. You can identify them from the casual way they walk about, not spending more than 5 minutes at each store, gushing about how "this shirt will go so well with my skinny jeans" to fellow girlfriends. (Although at this juncture you're forced to wonder which brand manufactures "skinny jeans" for waist size 40). They will whirl the circular clothing rack in one fluid motion, picking up one or two pieces for further inspection, add an expert comment regarding the fabric or the cut, put it back to where it belonged and move on.

The time-killers :- Okay I know this title sounds lame, but no other way to describe them, for they are basically here to kill time. They can be all kinds of people- from a young couple waiting it out for a particular movie show at Fame or Inox by traipsing from one floor to another, to a group of giggly school/college kids who basically seem to be having a time of their lives wandering about aimlessly, possibly due to the thrill of having bunked classes (been there done that).

The PDA-ing couples:- Now they are the most interesting of all subjects. One look at them, and you'll know that this pair has only stepped inside the confines of this humongous building for getting touchy-feely with each other in an air-conditioned environment without wasting a single buck. You'll notice the lovebirds giggling away standing side by side leaning dangerously over the railing, unable to keep their hands off each other, probably whispering sweet-nothings(ugh!) into each others' ears, treating the escalators as a sort of free ride in some amusement park by going up and down and up again.

The fashion faux-pas makers:- Ahem! You may accuse me of voyeurism for this and I'd counter with "guilty as charged". But I just can't help looking at what people are wearing when I am seated at a table after a meal, sipping on my can of Coke, with little else to do. Now mind it, this group of people usually think they are the best-dressed of all and hence they'd care to slow down their pace of walking for the crowd to take it in and applaud mentally. I also seem to think they are of the opinion, a mall is the most likely place for them to flaunt the newest additions to their wardrobe. Now sample these : An otherwise good-looking woman in a floral-printed, knee-length strapless dress in loud colors paired with rainbow-hued chandelier earrings, white leather boots and a white tote. I kid you NOT! 
A size-14 woman sporting a pair of ultra short denim hot-pants(ones which cling to both of your butt-cheeks in the most obscene manner possible) and noodle straps, horribly blonde hair billowing out around her football-sized head. Or a young mom, steering her 8-year old towards the best spot in the food court, wearing the worst cleavage-revealing thing ever invented since the bra top (which looks like a bizarre cross between a halter neck top and a vest with criss-cross straps at the back) with a huge dragon tattooed across her partially bare back. Some day that 8-year old little guy is going to grow up and hide his face in shame or disgust at mom's choice of apparel, if he grows up to acquire any taste that is. I could possibly give about a hundred more examples but this is where I must reign in temptation and not get carried away.

Image courtesy : http://wingsandhalooflight.blogspot.com


The real purchasers:- Armed with their credit/debit cards, a condescending know-it-all expression plastered permanently on their faces, they hop from one store to another, trying out 10 outfits before buying one, bombarding the attendants with questions about the size, shape, elasticity, texture of fabric, longevity, history, date of release of the garment in question. And the store-keepers, recognizing the symptoms exhibited by actual buyers, help them out enthusiastically, hoping against hope, that this time around they'll get to hear the cash-register making that intensely welcome sound. 

The useless seat-occupiers:- They're the ones who occupy a table at the food-court, for minimum 2 hours at a stretch, chatting amongst themselves about God knows what, possibly exchanging tales from the time when their grand-dads were in their diapers or something. They'd sit at a table for hours on end, still thumbing the edges of the empty styrofoam-glasses which had contained their soft drinks centuries ago. You would spend agonizing minutes locating an empty table, sit down with a sigh of relief, order your food, wait for it to be prepared, fetch it from the stall, finish it at a leisurely pace while texting someone back or talking to the one accompanying you. And when you finally get up to leave after an hour or two, you will find them STILL deeply engaged in conversation with no visible signs of getting up any time soon.

The shameless gawkers:- They are also a sub-group of the seat occupiers, key difference being they're ALL male. They plant their asses firmly on the empty benches placed around corners of every floor and NEVER seem to get up. From their vantage point, they keep a look-out for pretty females, and on spotting a specimen of this highly sought-after species, they keep gaping at her till drool oozes out from the side of their not-so-pretty mouths. Sometimes they would exchange notes with fellow shameless gawker friends, seated beside them, about the hotness or do-ableness quotient of a particular female in question, who is blissfully unaware of their existence on this planet. These hapless chaps have even invented a name for this routine which is "bird-watching". 

So there. I can possibly make a few more categories, but then again I think I've mentioned the more obvious ones. 
Although feel free to incorporate your own into the list.
__

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25 comments:

Anish said...

Very funny and true!You really get to see all the kinds you mentioned.It must be a psychologist's paradise....they get to study so many interesting characters!

Pulkit said...

You covered almost all the types. I think I fall under the category which may be rightly titled "Pre-decided buyers," People under this category are rarely found. All it takes for them to shop is around five minutes - ten minutes tops - as the lengthy process of decision-making is rendered superfluous because of their advanced planning.

Rachit said...

well, I'm someone who just asks the shopkeeper about the best quality and simply with no wondering thoughts buys it:) Simple and easy.. isn't it ??

Weakest LINK

Soumya said...

Hehehe I loved this!!

Back in college I was a window shopper and now thankfully(I guess) have changed into a Real purchaser much to the disappointment of my parents :P

Giribala said...

Great lists!! One more is of the grocery shoppers--those who go to the malls to buy only essentials such as groceries.

Red Handed said...

hahah loved it...
i am a hybrid mix of window shopper, real shopper...

lovely post

Purba said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Prateek said...

Haha! And some are observant. :P

You know who sulks me the most? Couples occupying all the seats of mall. I don't even get space to relax. Either they are carrying sout some informal gestures or informal talks. Grr..

Priyanka said...

The fancy married couples who come to shop for their loud brats who have split ice scream or some such and are screaming as loud as they possibly can WHICH the parents think is real cute.
:@

I mostly belong to the class-bunker type :P

Purba said...

Your description about the fashion disasters was bang on!

I feel like going up to them and giving them one tight slap!

But they can be pretty useful to put gawkers off women for an entire lifetime.

☆ ayu☆ said...

count me in your list of window shoppers and time-killers hehehehe :D

Vijay Menon said...

hahaha perfect :)

wisewit said...

Isn't there another category: those who don't go to the mall.

That would be my category.

Of course, you've probably never seen any of them there. (?) :)

wisewit

Alka Gurha said...

Great compilation but can men ever understand the importance of window shopping?

Nethra said...

That's why I hate malls. People loiter around uselessly, crowding the place.

Farila said...

After being in near fainting situations with my son.. I dread the word shopping most of the time. Lovely post.

Meera Sundararajan said...

This is an excellent analysis!!! You have left out one category- tiered moms who accompany daughters in a bid to locate something that is acceptable to both ( people like me ). But I must say that the Mall is a place to kill loneliness and boredom in the big metros.

SUB said...

lol...nice one...the ones who go to mall to observe others can be added to the list i guess :)

Being Pramoda... said...

I love shopping... and the Q, i hate it the most!!!

Vamsi said...

Haha. That was hilarious. :D

BTW this post also proved that I am an out of box category. :( I go to malls dressed in the worst possible way ever unaccompanied by male/female friends. Sometimes I wish I could window shop. Wonder how, people do it so boldly. I feel so ashamed to look into the shopkeeper's face without buying a thing. Ha, anyways In a way, I am glad that I don't fall into the categories you've mentioned :D

Kumar Bibek said...

Hahaha, Now I know which category to put those shoppers. Nice Read.

Gyanban said...

Enjoyed reading this article.

Harish said...

Lol... Interesting observations.

Snow Leopard said...

Perfect descriptions. :D Must say that your observation skills are marvelous. Plus it also tells me that you spend quite a lot of time at the various malls.
THE PDA couples are everywhere now. We even find them at Metro Stations and Parks. And even the fashion criminals. I particularly find the loose jeans to be an eye sore.
Plus you didn't mention the category of people who walk around bored, dragging their feet, are cribbing and wishing they were somewhere else. (I am a member of that group)

Quintessence Of Illusion said...

Perfect description....Great observation....and extremely hilarious

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