Dreams

 I'm blissfully lost-

Somewhere in the catacombs of time,

Reliving moments of glory and days gone-by.

It's almost as if I'm afraid-

To venture into the bleakness of what lies ahead,

Fearing I might stumble or falter.

Then you come around and sit beside me-

To place a tender,loving hand-

On my head.

You smile at my nervousness.

 Give me that ever-meaningful look.

And just like that all my doubts are purged.

I know only I can give it shape.

Breathe life into it or make it break.

That cherished desire of my heart,

I would never let it go for anyone's sake.

I am not a psychopath

  18th August,1982.

Dear Diary,
                  You know well how I've always confided in you throughout all these years of my truly miserable life. How I've always sought solace from the harsh truths of ugly reality by flipping through your pages. How I've poured my heart out every time I was faced with a crisis so profound that I felt I had no reason to live anymore. To put it in short I've always shared a much deeper and better understanding with you than any of the people I was always surrounded by. But I'm afraid this is going to be my last possible entry.
                I'm suddenly hit by a wave of nostalgia as I try to get a better grip on my pen and continue writing. The days of my childhood flash before my eyes as if all of it had happened just yesterday...the way that drunken bastard would lie slumped on the bed all day, drool oozing out from the side of his disfigured mouth, while my mother tended to the Jensen's rose-beds with loving care. Despite the fact that we were always struggling to make ends meet, pay for my school tuition and rent I always remember her humming that tune from 'Sound of Music' as she watered the plants and trimmed the bushes. And I loved to watch her sing and smile.
                 I still recall those terrible evenings when that merciless sonovabitch would beat me into a bloody pulp and venture outside with our meagre savings for the day to get himself another bottle. And my mom would sit in the farthest corner of the room all hunched up crying, partly out of fear and partly out of disgust. I wish I had the courage to drive a knife through his heart and put an end to our agony. But sadly enough I was a coward back then. I was only 14.
                  My mom died soon after and I ran away from home. Years passed by and I built a life from scratch. Got a job with the police department, married Eileen and settled down. I thought I could finally overcome the torment and the anguish I had suffered at the hands of my cruel past. But maybe that was hoping for too much.
                  Ironic how everyone always raves about the word 'family'- how this single entity binds the essence of love, strength and all relationships. But has anyone ever considered this? That your family, too, could ruin you in a way that you would never have a chance of being whole again.
                  Or maybe destiny always chooses to play the crudest of jokes on me barring the rest.
                  That woman I loved with all my heart...that woman who I thought would usher in a new period of happiness into my life...failed to understand the real me. That goddamned crazy bitch would always suspect me of having other women. My late night shifts would propel her into a state of nervous frenzy and these, in turn, would lead to violent outbursts. She was beyond all reason when she had such 'fits'. My poor daughter grew up witnessing our daily scuffles. There was no doubt that she would stray.

So tonight I finally decided to end it all.
I killed them.Eileen and Anne. I murdered my family in cold blood.
I also killed that nigger my daughter was dating. And I'm not one bit guilty about it.
He was going to die anyway. A person solely surviving on pot cannot hope to live for long. And how dare the motherfucker touch my daughter? My beautiful Anne?
How dare he get her pregnant?
It's only because of him that I had to take my own daughter's life.
She did not have a chance at a normal life anymore. At the tender age of 16 she was already a whore doing drugs.
Yes she was better off dead.
I killed Eileen because she made my life hell. And had she been left alive she would have made life hell for others as well.
I don't regret killing them. In fact I experienced a kind of carnal pleasure as I stabbed that nigger 22 times and dragged his body into the dirty canal running behind the factory.I hope he rots in hell.
I killed Eileen with equal ease and agility. I loathed that bitch down to her very bones.
But killing Anne was the hardest. I smothered her with the pillow. I hope she didn't suffer as much.
I needed to write all this down so that when the police arrive in the morning they get to know the truth. They need to realize that I'm not a psychopath.
They need to know that I killed for a reason.
That's all. I can't write anymore. My hands are shaking so damn violently.

I can see my pistol on the dining table.

I will kill myself now.
And I'm not a psychopath.

P.S:The plot,the characters and the feelings described in this piece of fiction have been conceived from imagination and do not necessarily reflect my personal opinion.

                                      

That woman in my life

She wakes up late. So late that I can never count on her as my human alarm-clock whenever I have an early morning to deal with. Instead it's me who is assigned with the task of setting her phone alarm(and pour a bucketful of water on her if necessary) whenever she has to wake up early.

She has the annoying habit of forgetting the deadline for the payment of phone and electricity bills. So in fear of our happy lives being plunged into darkness devoid of any means of communication with the outside world (read telephone) I have taken the responsibility of remembering such important 'last dates'.

She is a brilliant cook-a fact I have to admit to. But unfortunately enough sometimes she brilliantly ends up adding too much salt in certain dishes which would have otherwise tasted like heaven.

Her Hindi is terrible to the point where it sounds unintelligible and incoherent. So whenever she is faced with the prospect of conversing with a hindi-speaking bank employee about some credit card she promptly thrusts the phone into my hands with a sheepish grin on her face.

But strangely enough this slightly clumsy person also ends up sounding like the wisest sage one would ever hope to come across in their lives.

Whenever I start losing faith in people around me she is the one who gives me the strength to 'hold on tight' and says 'Anything is possible if you believe.'
Even though I used to resent her a bit at the time I was going through my 'rebellious teen phase' I'm thankful for the things that she did to show me the right way.
No matter how hard I try I just can't keep secrets from her. Everything just comes tumbling out of my mouth the minute I start talking to her.
I understand why though. She is a friend who knows me inside out. She can always invariably sense what's on my mind even when I stay dead silent.
She can never bring herself to say 'no'-be it to the newspaper boy or the milkman or a distant relative asking for a favor. Being blessed with a generous heart has its own share of disadvantages.
And yet if the situation demands she acts out of conviction to say the loudest 'no' if something wrong is being done.
I often doubted the fact that we'll ever make it through during those sad years when we were mourning the loss of someone utterly precious and vital to our existence.
Yet we did. All thanks to her who never fails to amaze me with her perseverance and determination to overcome difficulties in life.
It's only because of her that I'm who I'm today. It's only because of her that I find the courage to defy norms, follow my heart and be myself.

She.
My best friend. My confidante. My inspiration. My reason to move forward in life even when I'm afraid of that which lies ahead. The centre of my universe-my mother.

Whenever she breaks into a random Rabindrasangeet verse while staring out the window or in the kitchen I pause in my work to listen and pray to God so that I can always be by her side like this.

I don't know what the future holds for me. I don't know what the future holds for you.

But I hope that one day I can climb onto a stage, made just for me, and make you proud. And let the whole world know how you have been the best mother and father a child can ever hope to have. How you sacrificed your career just for the sake of a 3 year-old who hated to come back to an empty apartment from school. How you've been the only one to tolerate my incessant ramblings about college and friends or books I read and movies I watch. How you've never forced any of your decisions on me but merely helped me to make the right one myself. How I have always looked up to you as my role-model....as the person I admire most.

So on this Mother's Day I take the opportunity of thanking you for everything. For endowing me with the wonderful gift of life and for showing me how to make the most of it.
A Happy Mother's Day to you mom! I love you.


P.S: I had intended to write this post on a Mother's day for a long time...but couldn't do so primarily because I usually have my exams during the month of May every year. But thanks to a Blogadda contest I finally found the motivation to write and publish something this year. Although words will always fail to describe the special bond shared between a mother and child.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words

I'm not one of those people who prefer a post without words.For when it comes to blogging I'm anything but lazy.
But after coming across this picture on the back of a notebook that I bought recently,I just couldn't help myself from jumping on the bandwagon and making a Wordless Wednesday blog entry.
Truly worth a 1000(or perhaps even more) words won't you say?

P.S: This wasn't much of a wordless post I guess. :P

The Gift of Friendship

I'm so sick of writing lab reports at the moment that I pushed away all the blank and scribbled-on pages of a4 sheets away a minute back and decided to pour my heart out here.

Something happened a few days ago which forced me to pause and reflect on my views on friendship,life in general and a whole bunch of other things that I couldn't possibly write about at the moment.(Maybe another post in the future will do justice to them.)

Even 3 or 4 years back I was scared to come to terms with the true meaning of the word 'friendship'.It so happened that people whom I had trusted a lot in the past let me down without a second thought.So obviously enough for a certain period of time I developed a kind of mistrust for new people I met.It was as if my mind was programmed to believe that 'people come...people go'.I smiled,I chatted,I gossiped.But somehow I managed to forge this insurmountable barrier between me and other people.

Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.

When I got into college things changed.I met new people...I made friends.Some friendships did not survive the test of time...however some did.And I'm proud and happy to have those few important people by my side today.

There's something else I learned:there is no fixed and constant definition to the word 'friendship'.To me it's the most beautiful bond that two human beings can share between themselves.It starts with a plain and simple smile,progresses with conversation and evolves over time.

You don't have to hang out with your friend once a week or go on a shopping excursion to keep your relationship intact.Neither do you have to have a telephonic conversation with him/her ever so often.
Friends are people who respond to your call even if you're calling them after two whole years at 3 o'clock in the morning.Friends are those who get excited over your achievement without thinking about their ensuing exams.Friends are those who can understand wordless gestures.Friends are those who do not make selfish claims.Friends are those who understand you,perhaps, even better than you understand yourself.Friends are those who come to your aid without a moment's delay when you are facing your darkest nights.Friends are those who are always there to just talk to you and make you feel better.

Right at this moment I know that all my friends are special to me.
Friends with whom I hadn't had a phone conversation in a long time,friends in another class who never forget to say a 'hi' when I'm in college,old school friends whom I hadn't seen in a while,friends who ping you on messengers the moment you're online,friends from a particular online forum with whom you can lock horns over favorite movies,books,music,actors and more and at the same time share anecdotes with,friends who respond to your silly text messages no matter how busy they might be at that moment,friends who say a 'yes' without thinking twice when you call them up really late the previous night and arrange for a meeting the next day. *wink*

Yes all of them are equally dear to me.I might not get to meet some of you as often,or I might not call some of you at a stretch for days....but you guys are never forgotten.

Blogging has so far been a delightful journey for me.Not only have I learned a lot about creative writing ever since I started blogging but I've also had the opportunity of coming across so many accomplished writers and deep thinkers across the blogosphere.And reading other people's blogs makes me feel as if I'm also a part of their lives in a way.We're communicating with each other via this medium in a way that is special in itself.
And I'm not one bit hesitant to say that I cherish my blog buddies as much as I treasure the friendship of people I get to see every other day.

This one is for all my blogger friends: Thank you for reading whatever I type and being kind enough to leave your feedback.Thank you for making me feel more confident about my writing than I would've ever been.It's only because of you guys that Aura of Sleepless Dreams has 150+ followers and 110+ fans now.So here's a little something from me to all of you(everyone who reads and comments on my blog and all my followers and blog well-wishers.I'm sorry about not mentioning any names since there are so many of them)-

Okay then I gotta go back to more labreport-writing and studying.Exams from the 15th of May...so I'll not be blogging for a while.But I'll try to catch up with all your posts nonetheless.
Keep writing all of you :)
And wish me luck!