Thursday, May 13, 2010

I am not a psychopath

  18th August,1982.
Dear Diary,
                  You know well how I've always confided in you throughout all these years of my truly miserable life. How I've always sought solace from the harsh truths of ugly reality by flipping through your pages. How I've poured my heart out every time I was faced with a crisis so profound that I felt I had no reason to live anymore. To put it in short I've always shared a much deeper and better understanding with you than any of the people I was always surrounded by. But I'm afraid this is going to be my last possible entry.
                I'm suddenly hit by a wave of nostalgia as I try to get a better grip on my pen and continue writing. The days of my childhood flash before my eyes as if all of it had happened just yesterday...the way that drunken bastard would lie slumped on the bed all day, drool oozing out from the side of his disfigured mouth, while my mother tended to the Jensen's rose-beds with loving care. Despite the fact that we were always struggling to make ends meet, pay for my school tuition and rent I always remember her humming that tune from 'Sound of Music' as she watered the plants and trimmed the bushes. And I loved to watch her sing and smile.
                 I still recall those terrible evenings when that merciless sonovabitch would beat me into a bloody pulp and venture outside with our meagre savings for the day to get himself another bottle. And my mom would sit in the farthest corner of the room all hunched up crying, partly out of fear and partly out of disgust. I wish I had the courage to drive a knife through his heart and put an end to our agony. But sadly enough I was a coward back then. I was only 14.
                  My mom died soon after and I ran away from home. Years passed by and I built a life from scratch. Got a job with the police department, married Eileen and settled down. I thought I could finally overcome the torment and the anguish I had suffered at the hands of my cruel past. But maybe that was hoping for too much.
                  Ironic how everyone always raves about the word 'family'- how this single entity binds the essence of love, strength and all relationships. But has anyone ever considered this? That your family, too, could ruin you in a way that you would never have a chance of being whole again.
                  Or maybe destiny always chooses to play the crudest of jokes on me barring the rest.
                  That woman I loved with all my heart...that woman who I thought would usher in a new period of happiness into my life...failed to understand the real me. That goddamned crazy bitch would always suspect me of having other women. My late night shifts would propel her into a state of nervous frenzy and these, in turn, would lead to violent outbursts. She was beyond all reason when she had such 'fits'. My poor daughter grew up witnessing our daily scuffles. There was no doubt that she would stray.

So tonight I finally decided to end it all.
I killed them.Eileen and Anne. I murdered my family in cold blood.
I also killed that nigger my daughter was dating. And I'm not one bit guilty about it.
He was going to die anyway. A person solely surviving on pot cannot hope to live for long. And how dare the motherfucker touch my daughter? My beautiful Anne?
How dare he get her pregnant?
It's only because of him that I had to take my own daughter's life.
She did not have a chance at a normal life anymore. At the tender age of 16 she was already a whore doing drugs.
Yes she was better off dead.
I killed Eileen because she made my life hell. And had she been left alive she would have made life hell for others as well.
I don't regret killing them. In fact I experienced a kind of carnal pleasure as I stabbed that nigger 22 times and dragged his body into the dirty canal running behind the factory.I hope he rots in hell.
I killed Eileen with equal ease and agility. I loathed that bitch down to her very bones.
But killing Anne was the hardest. I smothered her with the pillow. I hope she didn't suffer as much.
I needed to write all this down so that when the police arrive in the morning they get to know the truth. They need to realize that I'm not a psychopath.
They need to know that I killed for a reason.
That's all. I can't write anymore. My hands are shaking so damn violently.
I can see my pistol on the dining table.
I will kill myself now.
And I'm not a psychopath.
P.S:The plot,the characters and the feelings described in this piece of fiction have been conceived from imagination and do not necessarily reflect my personal opinion.

Sig 2


pawan said...

A terrific write up :)
Could've added more gore but well, it's disturbing enough even without it.
And good to see a post like this from you, keep writing more of this sort!

Aparna said...

pyschedelic people always scare me...the way their mind is built up is a mystery

how ironic it is that he doesn't realise what a pyscho he is

never come across such a plot...something different in here sam!

Quintessence Of Illusion said...

wow wow wow........kudos to you for writing something totally different from your style.its not only the style but the climax slowly unfolding to finally justify the protagonists claim was superb..keep writing more....

Sayandeep Kundu said...

ohhhhhh.. just tooo good.. really too good.. no blind adulation on my part.. it was just awesome.. it left me startled, won't be an exaggeration if i say, i felt a shudder of melancholy right beneath my chest.. it was just so marvelous..

HaRy!! said...

me new here..!! eeeeeeeee they scare me.!thats like watching shutter island.. cyu around!

Karthik said...

I liked the experiment, Sammy.
I didn't enjoy the narration much in the beginning (like I do always when I read your stories), but when I looked at it from another angle I liked the idea. First person narrative showcases the psyche of the killer very well. Didn't feel like Sammy was writing this, but the killer. And that's where you score. A very strong authorial voice indeed. Kudos! :)

Hopeless Romantic said...

I hate the SW/Disclaimers at the start of the post..they kill the joy of reading it....there is less surprise and shock value..

what inspired you to write this one..

Lazy Pineapple said...

wow...a really eerie post. You have written is so well...I could feel my heartbeat race.

Really great story...alas it is the truth of so many people...

Samadrita said...

@pawan: Wow someone who is a master of this genre liking my piece is enough of an appreciation for me.Thanks for your words. :)

@Aparna: Thank you my lady.And these kind of people scare everyone.But sometimes we must understand that not everyone are born psychos.Circumstances turn them into beasts. :)

@QOI: *bows* Thanks for your valuable comment. :)

@Sayandeep: Well this is my first tryst with this genre so not really sure how this turned out.But I'm glad you liked it so much nonetheless. :)

Samadrita said...

@Hary: Haven't watched that movie yet.Welcome to my blog and thank you for reading.

@Karthik: Yea I know beginning ended up sounding a bit dry.You see I haven't tried my hand at this genre I guess there's bound to be a few shortcomings.
But happy to know you liked it. :)

@HR: I had to write that disclaimer for by all means someone might accuse me of racism after reading this post.Was just being cautious you see :)
Inspiration?Let's see...I wanted to try my hand at writing a thriller.So that was the major incentive behind writing this one.
Btw you didn't say anything about the story.

Hopeless Romantic said...

Racism? how come? i don't see any angle...and in any case you are being cautious, put it as a PS in the end, rather a disclaimer in the start. Just a suggestion..

I have actually read a real incident like that in was asking about the inspiration..

The story was alright...though i felt it meandered a little at times... i have an issue with the styling...may be creating paragraphs for each character of the family would have helped....but these are like small nitpickings in an otherwise competent story....keep penning!


Neha said...

Sammy, very nice plot..written really very is a very difficult difficult plot to execute; but you did it very well..kudos girl :))

Samadrita said...

@Lazy P Thank you ma'am for liking the story. :)

@HR I will answer the first part of your question on FB okay? ;)
Yep you are indeed right.I coulda organized it in a better way.
But then I wrote this down in 2 hours last evening while waiting for the computer technician to arrive with my new stuff. :P
Thanks for your feedback.It always helps me to write better next time :)

@Neha: Thanks! :)

Mural! said...

could feel the anger of the protagonist through the narrative, very depressing atmosphere was indeed created, nice try :)

asish said...

and no one is a psychopath! it's just what others think you to be!

Gyanban said...

I would say a good attempt, could ve been better.
I am quite comfortable with dark words being used to enhance the effect ,however in your post i felt somewhere the balance needs to be a bit better between scene construction and post narration.

I would have also liked to see some research element, some characteristic features are simply amazing to document.

Anecdote -
You know the most scary psycho's are the one's who do not have any traumatic childhood or any bad experience that triggers such behaviour patterns.they just like being psychos.

SavvY said...

Ok. . . Let see. . U said that it is your first attempt in this genre. . . Well i liked the story. . I think i would have enjoyed some more of the darkness in it. . Killing cud have been more ruthless. . But overall i loved the post. . I'll agree wid gyanbaan that the most scary thing bout a psycho is that he loves being a psycho. . But then the aim of ur story was to show how an otherwise normal person turns into a psycho because of circumstances. . Loved it. . Will be waitin for ur other fictions. . said...

Yes, this is a good portrayal of a person who is not a psychopath... Interesting experimentation, why not try a real psychopathic angle? I believe they make much better subjects.

Journomuse said...

Nice...Dark and at the same time so well fleshed out...

Really liked this post..By the way, congratulations on the Blogadda win..:) You are a very good writer..:)

Abha Midha said...

A nice account of.. 'into the mind of a seral killer'

Sayak Shome said...

This was an absolute treat to read. The whole life of an individual condensed into a few paragraphs yet not losing a bit of it's inherent fervour. I especially liked the last part where the person was justifying his actions in his own eccentric ways.

I came across this post of yours on indiblogger.
Keep writing.


atindriyo said...


when my poetry gets published become famous after my death due to penury and alcoholism, please write my biography :D

♫ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♫ ayu ♫ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♫ said...

wow..sammy..this is a hardcore one..nice write up..and its realistic in some ways..coz it really havent in real some instances..

♫ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♫ ayu ♫ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♫ said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Dr Roshan R said...

yipes.. good one. thank God it's fiction :)

Nethra said...

I loved the narration, plot and the way your words portrayed the protagonist's mind. I always enjoy reading stories that's in first person narratives.


Chatterbox said...

A difficult plot handled wonderfully in a power packed write up.
Enjoyed the eerie and the impact you delivered :D :D

Keep up the wonderful work!!

Kavi said...

Phew ! Phew ! Gripping

D2 said...

Well, this was certainly scary.
Very well written, I must say.

Hey you have anaward waiting for you here
Keep writing.

Anish said...

I was wondering if this was a guest writer...and was quite surprised to see it wasn't...I would never have expected you to be able to write so well from the point of view of a guy so a thumbs up for that...

on the other hand the content is pretty cliched...but your style of narration makes up for it...

Niraj said...

One word to describe the post ..."Excellent". I mean its gave me a goose bumps..Your writing has a depth that can shake the well versed emotions..Keep writing..


Bikramjit said...

PHEWwwwwwwwwwwwwwww the small print made me say that .. have a sigh of relief... That this was fiction ...

But neverthless excellent story , a bit hard hitting .. Nice one ..

Ankit said...

dint lyk it much..matbe coz m not dat much into dis genre of writing..or may be because i read ur Mother's Day post just before reading this..these two shouldnt be on the same page..

vamsi said...

This is my first time here..The plot was good..Apart from that what I loved more was the emotions that played specially towards end of the post..I liked your writing..I will be one among ur readers now.:)

I have written a post on Psychopath long ago..have a look at it..:)

pRasad said...


Amazing. While reading I thought I am reading blog of real killer and I was excited to show this post to others..Lolzz..funny. :)

"Purple Heart" Sam said...

Nicely Written... you wrote the things that every blamed psychopath stores in his heart maybe... but actually i m not used to this much negativity, so i might be taking a backseat in the admiration of the concept, it wasnt a pleasant read, as the pain was too much (personal opinion)... but the write up was too organised and you truly brought out the desperation of the psychopath to justify himself... just amazing...

Enchanta said...

This was crazy crazy awesome.
And I agree without further ado, that he was not a psychopath! :P

Wow. You have me hooked!

Jude G Lopez said...

well said...really brings out dark emotions with clarity and originality..enjoyed reading it..

rajendra said...

very nice

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