Monday, May 04, 2009

Lost amidst the crowds

*sigh* Why does something as noxious as loneliness exist? Why do we so increasingly feel ourselves plunging into the depths of this dark, bottomless pit? What is this perpetual feeling of incompleteness and gloom that always surrounds us?
Or is it just me? :(
Okay I really don't know what I'm typing out here. It's just that I feel so..well...pathetic at the moment.And seriously speaking I am totally out of meaningful topics to write about. Though I try hard to not let this space turn into a personal diary I guess even I have to bend my own rules sometimes. And c'mon now I don't have any other place where I can write whatever I feel like. (My gratefulness towards sites like Blogger,Wordpress and Typepad just increased.) Ah anyway let's not make a big deal out of this.
I didn't have a very long day today. In fact it was reasonably short. Went to college, had a lab class in the first half. But by the time it ended I was a complete mess. The heat is to be blamed for it, then my sleep-deprivation for the last 2 nights(when my friends suggest that I might have been a vampire in my previous life..I ask them "How can you be so sure of me NOT being a vampire in this life?"-_-) Oh yes add to it the fact that I was also on an empty stomach (for some reason if I happen to eat more than 2-3 spoonfuls in the morning I tend to throw up). Walking the dusty roads fully exposed to the sun's merciless glare (even with your sunglasses intact) at 2 o'clock in the day is the crudest of tortures that could be inflicted on you - if you happen to live anywhere in India,that is(excluding the northern parts of course). And I had to go through this today. Damn I guess I'm complaining too much. Mom says that I'm getting spoiled-'cause half the time when I'm at home I insist on keeping the ac on and when I'm outside, I'm mostly travelling in ac whiteliners. And yet I'm being grouchy about the heat. Atindriyo is so right when he asks me to spare a thought for those living on the streets,or the traffic-policemen or the autorickshaw-drivers or bus-drivers and a hell lotta other people out there who don't even have the option of skipping work a day just for the simple reason they can't. They have to leave home just to arrange for a full day's meal.I just tell him,"You know I might just be a self-centred,inconsiderate moron." Anyway his blog got hacked-the poor soul! He just found out in the morning he can't login. So if any of the people,who happen to follow his blog, are reading this please be patient. He'll be back with a new account soon. Or just maybe he'd be lucky enough to retrieve his old account.

I never really got around to liking this song but for some unknown reason I can hear Ricky Martin and Christina Aguilera right now-

Why, why, why
Oh ooh ohh

There you are, in a darkened room
And you're all alone, looking out the window
Your heart is cold and lost the will to love
Like a broken arrow
Here I stand in the shadows
In the shadows
Come to me, come to me
Can't you see that

Nobody wants to be lonely
Nobody wants to cry....

I just realized that the more populous this city gets, the lonelier everyone becomes. Whenever we go out we find sooo many people out there-walking side by side on the same pavement, travelling on the same bus, buying stuff from the same stores - yet nobody gives you a half-a-friendly-glance or a smile. Neither do we of course. Because after all, all of us are strangers here - in this BIG crappy city which throbs with life every moment. And yet is so lifeless at the same time. It's the rule to behave like a cyborg, go about your business, maintain that stony expression 'cause of course it's a BIG BAD world out there. Just do your job and ignore others.
But aren't we the world?

It's hard to count the number of heads we see at a regular bus - stop at a peak hour. Yet at the end of the day when I begin counting the number of people with whom I can be completely open with I realize with a pang that there aren't more than 2 names on this particular list.
I often wonder is it just me? Am I the only one who often ends up wallowing in this feeling called loneliness?Or do most people dwelling in the heart of a busy metropolitan city feel this way?
I mean, yeah when I go to class I have a lot of people who engage in casual chit-chat with me - you know like talk about the weather, impending exams or some joke about some teacher, crib about the deplorable state of lab equipment in our college or study-talk and even fav music, books and movies and similar such stuff. And then I kind of feel fine. But unfortunately the feeling doesn't last very long.
Pretty soon I am dismal - especially so when I'm on my own. And then I repeatedly try to tell myself - 'Hey I'm okay. I have a perfect life. I have friends with whom I can go out, have a decent conversation with. I have an awesome mother who is less like a mom and more like a best buddy. I am studying at a decent college. My grades are good(though I admit I'd like it if they got better). So I don't feel bad about anything. It's just an illusion.'
But is it?
Even though we are surrounded by a million others everyday,every minute,every second aren't all of us lonely as hell?

Anyway lonely or not atleast I have Taylor Swift for company. At 19 she has probably already realized that greatness lies in simplicity. That's why her songs are so simple yet so beautiful. So if you are all by yourself or sad or feel like crap 'cause of some reason I guess the best way to get out of it would be to let the music play. ^_^
This sure works for me.

Sig 2


Atindriyo said...

Sad, lonely, lively, dreamy...
P.S. I've got my profile back...

taurius1 said...

Lonliness is just what you percieve. And I can totally relate to the not knowing more than two people I can be open with... While sometimes it might be a totally depressing thing, I bring myself around by reminding myself how important those people are. And how important it is to not let too many people be privie to my secrets too! It's a fine balance. I get hit with bouts of lonliness quite often, now that I don't get to talk to my older friends as often as I did. But somewhere down the line, I realised that it's meant to be. Too many people takes the fun out of doing things sometimes. Not to mention having to tell the same story over and over again to everyone... -_-"

If you ever feel like having a random chat, drop me a line. ^_^

Nightwing said...

i dont think anyone can express it like this...but u have said EXACTLY what most people in the city feel....all of us are lonely..even despite having a lot of people all around...and the meaningless chit chats become a burden after a time...but you know...u may think me a freak...but i enjoy loneliness sometimes...err..a lot...

Samadrita said...

@taurius1:Yea you are right about the part that too many people takes the fun outta doing things..but I just wish sometimes that we could change this mechanical way of living life.It's not only about loneliness you know.It's like these days we are more friendly with an inanimate LCD screen or our cellphones rather than actual people.Now won't you call that scary?

@Anish:You don't enjoy loneliness you know.You have just convinced yourself to believe that 'cause that makes it easier for you to deal with it.Just like I do or many others do.We feel that we are okay.But something tells me we aren't.

ChAsMeBadDoOr said...

Dun worry gurl, u aren't the only one who feels this way.. its just u busted out here.. and others didnot.. here the difference lies... every one in this world is lonely at some point of time... if u ask the the most happiest person on this earth abt ur mixed feeling he too will agree he feels the same.. u r no diff.. even after having everything we feel we r missing sumthing in lyf that is cos v expect more n more from our lives.. thats it,,, 2ndly, i gues its becos of the heat u r getting so much irritated.. dun worry, things will b beter sooner or later.. take care... btw why did u remove ur pic from ur profyl?


NesQuarX said...

Congrats on having two people you can open up to.

We do have a basic need to connect, it's just another psychological drive which is a remnant of prehistoric pack behaviour. But on the core, we ARE alone. Isn't that an eternal truth?

And true, just like other psychological drives, you can repress it, you can get used to it, but you can never 'like' the craving that surfaces often.

mohit said...

I m glad that u have at least 2 ppl on ur side to sit by u and listen to what u have to say ..
At times life dosent even show that much courtesy to some ppl , and u are left with nothing but to accept it and still move on happily coz ur smile and being normal at all times gives hope to others who are younger or elder to you, coz they rely on u.
being a guy i cant really talk about feelings and all coz i cant . Even if i try i would fail miserably but whatever u wrote completely explained me how i felt.
i m not a blogger just saw ur page , thought i should write back , its my first time though . :)

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